I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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