Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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