I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
