I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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