Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
