The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I am naked and annoyed.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
