Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I could make wine with my vomit
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
