I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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