i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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