Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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