I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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