Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
