Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life