it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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