i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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