We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
