I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
