my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
