This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
