I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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