sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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