The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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