Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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