Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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