Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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