Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
