Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
