I accidentally had phone sex last night
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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