1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
