Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
