Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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