I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
