My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
