I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
