If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
