I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
