That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
