I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
