goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
