the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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