if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
