Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
