I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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