guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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