I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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