If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
