why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
