apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
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He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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