Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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