My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
