We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
