she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
