apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
